On February 14th, 1999 Our Daughter Morgan Was Born Ever So Silently Into The Arms Of Awaiting Angels... Her Memory Will Forever Be A Part Of Us... It Is Through Our Memories And The Memories Of Others That Our Loved Ones Live On.... Thank You For Allowing Morgan's Memory To Live On In You!

History

When I was a little girl I always dreamed of having a large family. I came from a family of six I thought that was the perfect number. I started my family a little earlier in my life than I should have though, having my first son Damian at the age of 19. I was not only young and ignorant, but I was in a horrible relationship. Everyone told me that he was no good for me, but I was blinded by "love" and refused to believe them. Then two years later I became pregnant with my second son Joran, and the blindness was lifted. I was given the ultimatum to abort or to leave.... I left.

Now I was alone and raising 2 boys... I didn't think any man would ever want me, but I was wrong. Jim and I were engaged Christmas Day 1995. We had talked about having a large family, but wanted to wait until after our wedding... Three months later I found out we were expecting my third son Devan!!! SURPRISE!!!

Now as much as I love my boys, I truly longed to have a daughter.I would see all of these beautiful little dresses, and I so wanted to have someone to put them in.(I really don't think Jim would have approved of me dressing up the boys!!!) Jim and I were married on July 20th, 1996 and had our first daughter Aunna in August of 1997.Now most people would think by now that our family was quite complete... but I had room in my heart for more!  At my 6 week check up my doctor told me that we could start trying again as soon as we liked. I was concerned though because I had not had a cycle since Aunna was born, so I started charting my Basal temperatures daily. That is when I realized I was not having normal "cycles". In fact my hormone levels were completely irregular, and I was not even sure if I was ovulating. Many weeks and several blood tests later, my doctor indeed confirmed that I wasn't. Knowing how much I wanted more children, my doctor started me on hormone therapy to start my cycles. Eventually he would add in a round of fertility drugs called Clomid. Much to our surprise, we became pregnant on the first round of Clomid!

Morgan

I have never in my entire life been so happy to see those two little lines! I was having the "perfect" pregnancy, every appointment was a good one. At 20 weeks we had our first ultrasound. I was so scared that because of the fertility drugs they were going to find several little somebody's in there, but there was only one. One perfect little baby. I could see fingers, and tiny little toes... Just as we were about to finish baby decided to say a very special little hello and stuck this very tiny little bottom right up on the screen where there was no mistaking what we were having..... A GIRL!!!!! Aunna was going to have a little sister! Someone she could play dress up with, have slumber parties, giggling into the night.... all of those wonderful little girl things that there is no way her brother would be caught doing! I think I called everyone I ever met in my entire life that night! It didn't really matter to much if they remembered me or not, they knew we were going to have another little girl!

In November we began looking for a new home. We had lived in a rental for years and were beginning to outgrow it! We had enough space, but there was no yard... Our back yard was literally a cement slab. The boys were starting to get to the age where they wanted to go out to play, and there was no where to go. We didn't have to look for long when we found the perfect house. A nice big yard, huge bedrooms, and a playroom for Aunna and Morgan. I was so excited!

We started packing in mid-February, though we hadn't signed the final papers yet we knew the house was ours. I just knew if I waited much longer to pack I would not be able to get around very well because of the pregnancy. While packing some boxes on the 13th, I twisted my ankle. Since I hadn't been able to relax like this in days, decided I would milk my injury so I could get some rest. I was telling Morgan all about our new house, the big yard, how we were going to paint the girls room. I told her all about her brothers and her sister and how much they loved her and wanted to meet her, I even told her how I was sneaking and pretending I hurt worse just so I could lay there and talk to her.

Fears

Usually when I talked to her she would respond by wiggling all over, but today she was very still... I kept talking to her, rubbing my belly, saying "wake up little lady", but still she did not move. My husband insisted that I go in and get checked, but I hated to go the hospital. I always felt so silly making those "false runs", and I had made quite a few. Eventually I agreed to go, although I was almost certain that they would send me home with a pat on the head and the information that "babies do sleep sometime". I was so convinced I was talking to Morgan on the way to the hospital telling her how silly her daddy was to worry about her and how she already had him wrapped around her little finger. At least in going to the hospital I would get another "sneak peak" at my gorgeous little girl. Oh how I wish that all would have been true.

Upon arriving to the emergency room they sent me up to Labor and Delivery. They said since I was 31 weeks they like to send mom's up there... just in case they deliver... I couldn't help but snicker, I still had 9 weeks to go. Once there they get me all settled down into a room, a nurse came in to hook me to a fetal monitor. The nurse, pregnant herself assured me not to feel silly for coming in, saying even she herself had been in only days before! The contraction monitor was the first one to be connected, though I was having "mild" contractions she didn't think it was anything to be concerned about. Then she tried to hook up the other monitor, the one that monitors the babies heart rate, she tried... and tried... and tried but after 20 minutes she called in the doctor.

That is when I started to worry, she explained to the doctor that although she was unable to get a heartbeat she thought she could possibly hear Morgan moving around. After thoroughly examining me and trying unsuccessfully to find her heartbeat with a Doppler, he ordered an ultrasound. Being the weekend the Technician was unavailable, even though they called one in.... it would be quite a while before they arrived. Knowing I was anxious, and feeling pretty confident all was well, he brought in a small ultrasound machine. It was about the size of a portable television and you could just barely make out the tiny little image it projected. He said he couldn't be sure, but he didn't think her heart was beating. We needed to wait for the technician and the stronger machine to confirm it.

I called Jim and told him I needed him there with me, and together we waited.... I just knew that the second ultrasound was going to say that everything was Ok.... I talked to her constantly telling her "wake up, time to wake up" but still she never moved. For two hours we waited and when the technician finally arrived.... our worst fears were confirmed.... our daughter was gone.

Heartache

The following day February 14th, 1999 ( Valentines Day) my daughters lifeless body was lifted from mine during a planned C-section. She was 3 pounds 15 1/2 ounces and every much as beautiful as I dreamed she would be. Before my surgery, I had asked that Morgan be given to me as soon as possible. When she was dressed and bathed they brought her in and laid her upon my chest, It was the best feeling of my life and yet the worst.

Since I had the C- section I was required to stay in the hospital. I have never been more thankful for a hospital stay in my entire life. For the time  that I was there I was allowed to have my daughter with me. I held her, I bathed her, I dressed her I loved her. I memorized every inch of her tiny little body, I didn't want to miss not one tiny detail of Morgan's existence. I spent the night telling her all about her family and how much we loved her, and tried to be the best mother I could in short amount of time  that I had to be one.

There were times when I could swear I felt her tiny little heart or I heard her take a little breath, but I new that could never be true. At the time I felt as if some of the nurses felt like I was crazy, and actually once or twice I thought I was too, but I would never give up those days I had with her for anything. I had the chance to say not only hello, but I had the chance to say good-bye, and I will cherish those moments forever.

Just before I was released from the hospital, all of my children came to visit. The hardest thing I had to do was to explain to them what had happened. They all wanted to see her anyway, we explained what she looked like and the hospital counselor was nearby in case of a problem, but there was none. They all had the chance to hold her and to say hello and good-bye. None of them noticed her bruises and they even found a way to smile through all of the tears. For months they had anticipated her arrival, and I could never have let her go without giving them this chance.

She was their sister now.... not just "the baby". She had a face, a name, and now she had a memory.  I thought for the longest time that I was alone, but I have found so many people that unfortunately, are just like me. I guess I never thought that babies could die, or maybe I never wanted too. I joined a support group at the hospital where Morgan was born, and I met so many wonderful people. I tried to go through my "grieving process" alone, but I couldn't make it through without some support. I found many friends online through sites like Morgan's and through email lists on others. I have added many of them to my support links page and add more almost daily. So if you are suffering, and feeling alone know that there are places you can go to find people just like us... who understand how we feel and are willing to help us through. I also have a memorial page, and I would love to add you angel to it. It does not have to be a baby.. I will add anyone no matter the age, I believe that if they were loved they deserve to be remembered.

I would like very much to thank you for taking the time to share in my daughters memory.... we love and miss her so very much! It is through our memories, and the memories of others that our loved ones live on.... thank you for helping me to keep Morgan's memory alive!

Sign Guestbook

Memorial Pages Morgan's Photos Our Family Photos Grief Support Links Poetry Pages Virtual Pet Cemetary

Morgan Elizabeth McGregor (Our Valentine Angel) Our Darling Little Angel, Born Unto The Angels... And Earning Her Wings Before Her Birth, You Were A Daughter, A Sister... A Dream That Shall Never Come True, We Will Love You Forever, And Forever You Shall Live In Our Hearts, Our Souls, And Our Memories..

Great Grandma "June" Knew There Was A Reason In Her Passing ,It Would Only Be Two Short Months Before You Joined Her And Grandpa In Heaven. All She Ever Wanted Was To See Your Tiny Little Face... And Now She Will Hold You In Her Arms Until Mommy Can Come And Take Her Place. I am So Envious! I Miss You My Sweet Angel! I Love You Grandma & Grandpa... Take Care Of My Princess... Until I can Come To Be With All Of You!

I would like to thank my brother Adam for all of the help he gave me when I was starting on Morgan's site. And Also ~ Pat & Rob, Chris, Danita, Sheila, Andra and all of the other members of H.O.P.I.N.G. Without you I do not think I could have come this far, Nor would I have the strength to go farther! I would also like to thank the nurses of Genesys Hospital For all of the help you gave me through this hard time. And Last but not least! I would like to thank the wonderful man who brought my angel(s)into this world, and held my hand in the days to follow. My Doc. He knows who he is... Thank you to all of you!!! You all mean the world to me!